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ChezzyFullerski
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Name: Patches
Gender: Female
Interests: God, people, music, guitar, piano, writing, reading, beach, travel, missions, learning, languages, life
Occupation: Student
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  bleudezires
Member Since:
2/15/2004
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| since no one reads this anymore...i don't really care to write on it I suppose.
Break it down simple like...
I'm getting married. yeah! Hard to believe.
I am not going to be in school this semester. Atleast not full time. That's a lot to swallow.
God is doing amazing things in my life and well, with a lot of amazing things comes more responsibility, growing and pain.
I am... in awe of my life right now and I am excited (trying not to be anxious) to see what God has in store for 2007.
Yep, that's it for now! | | |
| I need to update. Unfortunately, I don't really know what to say. Christmas is coming soon. Once again I find myself unprepared for all aspects of this supposedly wonderful holiday. No christmas tree...no money...no giving. This Christmas I have the only things that make Christmas what it truly is meant to be...Jesus and Family.
School is almost over. Exams finish the semester next week and I, well, have nothing to say about this semester other than... :(
How sad is it that I truly just had all I could take and I did what was easy. I gave in to my circumstances and I gave up.
I need to have a heart knowledge of His grace that covers a multitude of sins. I see his grace strong enough to cover anything for anyone. But when it comes to me...myself...personally.... I am ignorant. I see that He is faithful, loving, forgiving, slow to anger, in control...those are all apsects of God that I "know" but my heart needs to see them in a way like never before. Revival I seek and I am searching for in my daily devotions. However, daily turns to every other day. I feel entangled and held down. Recently discovering what doctors say can be treated with medication...I find myself still "DOWN!" So i ask God to examine my heart and find blackness. I don't want to be "who I was" but I want to return to the "heart I once had." Who would have ever thought that Liberty University would have had such a huge impact. It has not only caused mental growth, but it has brought a spiritual damper in my faith as a whole. Not b/c it's a bad university, but b/c God has used it to refine and polish me. How my heart aches right now. It aches with the pain of who I am, who I'm not and who I yearn to be. My fears, my failures, my sin...all have gotten the best of me. I am enslaved to gods other than the one and only true GOD! I am lazy and proud. I am heartbroken at the state that I find myself in so often. I am heart broken that a soul who was saved from so much chooses to live a life so distant from the only God that loves her. The Only God that calls her to Himself. The only God who is faithful to forgive. THe only GOd who is truly in control. ....and I, in all my humanness and sin make myself the god. Asking God what He wants for me is something I do. However, when do I ever let him answer? All of my actions, words, thoughts, feelings...etc...they speak the loudest. And I ... I cry with a broken heart of dissappointment! O'Lord, I would say I'm sorry...but even repentence seems so rehearsed right now!
Isaiah 41........ Fear not for I have redeemed you. I have called you by name. | | |
| The world really is flat. I know this b/c I know several people who have just "fallen off the face of the earth"..... | | |
| so much has changed. I've realized my lack of interest, after many days/nights struggling with confusion, in this guy that I dated. I suppose it would be better said as, "Not the right one for me." Great guy, just not for me.
It's amazing how much outside "voices" will truly influence decisions. Or should I just say, influence MY decisions. Yet in the end, I'm left doing what I can live with for the rest of my life. Now, there is another guy who has began pursuing me. This one is different. I don't struggle to have interest, it is just there. I, however, am still me. Perhaps that is, in itself, enough to be my downfall of things to come.
It has been a long November, and I dread December. I fear that it too, perhaps, will be filled with sleepless nights and agonizing days of mental torment.
Learning and accepting certain aspects of oneself is hard. Having to do so with the knowledge that only medicine and time will change it for the better...that is a challange beyond any word in my vocabulary.
I've realized how much I love my family lately. I think of my little nephew, Isaiah often. My parents and little bro's and sister's cross my mind daily. Hearing about my brothers joining the military (in the process of) brings on a cast of fear and saddness. Especially with any chance of Hillary Clinton being president. But, I guess my worries are somewhat eased with that thought. Once she's president, we can all rest in the soon to be rapture. :) J/K
They say (who are they anyway?) that the things we think on and talk about the most are the most important things to us. I've realized over the past few weeks...just how many "gods" I have in my life.
Sometimes I don't realize how much of a blessing my physical body is until something is not functioning properly. The intricate ways in which we are built by our creator, and how each tiny part serves it's purpose is....(speechless). | | |
| ..........I updated just for you!
Back at school. Summer was long and full of various activities that grew me, challanged me, and broke me. Living with a great girl in a new apartment this year. It's nice not being in a huge house full of people. Though I loved the people I was with. I think being out of that house is a huge "happy" for me but not b/c of the people. ANwho!
God is bringing me in another new season in my life. Bringing forth growth and areas that need attention....so I am making changes according to the new "season" that I feel called to so to speak.
So recently through some thought and realization...i've come to see.... It's time I was more attentitive to the people in my life...beyond myself and able to say thank you beyond simple words or thoughts. It is important to reach those in need, but how often we look over the ones that are closest to us b/c they aren't "strangers in need." Or maybe that's just a me season! I'm sure no one else ever becomes to busy with their own lives, ministries, romances, etc ...to really value and give time to the ones that have been right under their nose the whole time.
Dating a really great guy now. Been only a short couple months, but everything we have "been through" together has made it seem longer. Good and bad things. He is nothing that I ever expected myself dating in terms of being everything opposite of what I said I wanted preference wise ( punk rocker/surfer type )...
....but the amazing thing I found after much thought is......
I never had a specific "type." I have always been attracted to various types for various reasons. The few things that I would not "waiver" on still stood. So the amazing connection lies deeper than my preferences. I find that the way we compliment eachother is wonderful. He's a graduate from Florida State University with a double major in Religion and Communications (and a minor in psychology) and in May he graduated from Asbury Theological Seminary. A youth pastor now for a church back home..and still completely getting on his feet job wise, has really been a joy to watch as God continuously grows him personally (and us together). Half black, half white...what a doll. The funny thing is I never imagined myself with such a patient, quiet (introverted), and intellegent man. He's stinking smart I say! So enough about that. Let's just say we balance eachother out and I think he's fantastic!!!!
Only one more year, and a semester if necessary, and I'll be done with school. I'm ready to be finished. This year is a year of focusing beyond what everyone else tells me. Hard to explain that right now, cuz i'm sleepy and want to go to bed now, but we'll leave it at that!
God is so good! Things arent "easy" financially. But then again...I don't think they ever have been truly "easy" for me. But more joys of watching the Lord provide. My Jehova Jireh beyond all I can imagine or think!
I've noticed lately that a lot of things in life that use to "bother" me and make me "worry/crazy," don't do so anymore. I've also noticed other things that do..haha! I love growth. I love the fact that even though I've been in a valley (spiritually) for almost a year it seems, that there remains a hope even in the midst of despair that consistently whispers, "You're getting there!"
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